Things You Did Not Previously Know About Me and Which You Also Probably Do Not Care About.

Things you did not previously know about me and which you also probably do not care about:

1)

People are always telling me that I need to eat “fruit” and this other thing called “a vegetable”. Well I did some research at it turns out that “fruit” is a non-liquid, non-alcoholic version of wine, and I like wine, so I bought a container of this “fruit” at the store and I am eating some of it and it kind of just tastes like Skittles, but not as good. I also tried one of these “vegetable” things and it was - get this - green. Who eats green things? I did some more research and it turns out that “vegetables” are similar to “fruit” but distinguishable by the fact that I do not want to put them in my mouth.

2)

Unrelatedly, in the last month or so I have put on about 700 pounds because I did not have the time to run and also I was on an all-Fritos diet which my doctor has since explained “is basically just deadly”. I plan to start running again very soon and also doing all of the other things a healthy and fully functional adult does, such as, but not limited to:

• Picking up heavy things and putting them down again
• Not eating Fritos
• Sleeping
• Washing my own clothes
• Showering consistently
• Owning shoes that are the correct size for my feet
• Wearing said shoes when I go outside
• Sleeping in my bed and not just on the couch
• Remembering that I have a cat and that it probably is going to need to be fed one of these days

3)

Today I am wearing pants from the Goodwill that are WAY too big but are also the most comfortable jeans I have ever owned because they’re like half spandex or something. They’re so long that I have to cuff them up like five inches and so I basically look like Huck Finn or some terrible sort of rockabilly pouser. But hey, at least I am wearing pants, okay?

4)
I’ve gotten really into this band Sea Wolf, in particular the song "Middle Distance Runner".

5)

I am considering having a beard this summer and trying out the bald-with-a-beard thing that Matthew McConaughey proved could work in the 2002 film Reign of Fire. Though he was in really good shape in that movie. Also, he was a slayer of dragons. You can probably look like Danny Devito in a Jabba the Hutt costume and still seem sexy and cool if you’re a slayer of dragons.

6)

In case you can’t tell, I am easing my way out of writing-for-my-oh-so-fancy-masters-degree and back into writing-for-fun with a bunch of totally crap blog posts.

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