How to Get Sued for Libel by Chuck Norris.

Am I the only person who thinks that perhaps Chuck Norris is a closeted homosexual?

I just saw a commercial for “Walker: Texas Ranger” and I swear to god he was fighting a bear. Is it possible that this whole carefully-crafted uber-alpha-male persona is just a construct that is meant to throw his Tea Party friends off the scent?

Or, is it more than that?

Maybe he is the ultimate infiltrator! Decades ago he and his friends called a secret meeting in the backroom of the Stonewall Inn and hatched a plan. One of them would go deep, deep undercover and transform himself into the most heterosexual vision of a man that anyone would ever be able to imagine - he would be a white, American kung fu master, an action movie star, a Texas Ranger, he would front for ultra-Conservative groups, and he would even grow a beard – and then, once he reached the height of his fame, he would unmask himself as totally and completely gay. And not just gay, but uber-gay, as flamingly and stereotypically gay as any gay best friend or secondary character to ever appear on network television (think about it), and in doing so he would shake to its very foundations the small-minded, conservative American idea of what a gay person is.

Essentially, Chuck Norris is a plant. A spy. A pretender.

I am onto you Chuck!

Even better! What if all of this is true, but over the years Chuck has lost his sense of himself? He has spent so long undercover that he can no longer separate himself from the character he has created and been forced to live as. He has lost himself. And it is up to his old friends to help him, to remind him of who he really is. First they try to reason with him, plead with him, take him to Crate & Barrel in a desperate attempt to help him reconnect with his covert secret identity. But nothing works! Chuck pushed them away because it just hurts too much, he can’t stand the pain of it all!

So his old friends do the only thing that they can think of, they snatch him. They kidnap him and secret him off to a cabin in the woods. But before that there would be a hilarious scene when his four friends try to subdue Chuck, but Chuck Norris – being Chuck Norris – fights them off. It is an epic battle, hand-to-hand combat throughout Chuck’s rustic, manly home. There are nun chucks and shirtless fisticuffs. Until finally they subdue him by threatening to burn an American flag if he doesn’t come peacefully.

They take him to the secluded cabin and – pulling a bag off of his head – explain to him that they have to deprogram his hetero charade. They tie him to a chair and force him to watch “My Fair Lady” and “Velvet Goldmine” and “To Wong Fu Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” (during which even Chuck asks, “Hey, is that the guy from “The Matrix”?). To further separate him from his masculine persona they force him to wear dresses and pearls and perform selected songs from “Meet Me in St. Louis” complete with chorography that that have forced him to design himself.

Right now you’re thinking to yourself, “This is starting to sound like the best movies I have ever heard of!”

I know! Get Oliver Stone on the phone!

But now you’re asking yourself, “Does this movie have a B-story?”

Well of course it does.

Before being kidnapped, Chuck ‘s own teenage son was beginning to show the latent signs of homosexuality (does Chuck Norris have a teenage son? .. doesn’t matter, he does now!) so Chuck shipped him off to one of those anti-gay deprogramming camps in Utah. This story line is intercut with Chuck’s and the two inversely parallel one another: just as Chuck’s suppressed homosexual personality begins to come to the surface and as he is embraced with love and care by his old friends, we see the torturous “therapy” that the Aryan Mormons subject his son to in their efforts to rid him of his gayness. We see the increasing brutality of such a camp just as we see Chuck’s kidnapping blossom into a voyage of rediscovery and acceptance.

Now you’re asking yourself, is there some tragic turnabout to all of this?

Well of course there is.

Newly affirmed in who he is, Chuck returns to world and calls a press conference, planning to announce to the world who and what he really is and hoping to usher in a new era of tolerance and acceptance. He also calls his son home from the camp and – in the green room before the press conference – Chuck is reunited with his son. Chuck apologizes for sending the son away and tells him that he accepts him for who he is and confesses that he himself is gay. But Chuck’s son, now thoroughly “deprogrammed” rejects his own father with homosexual epithets and splits on him before storming out.

So it is with tears in his eyes that Chuck takes to the stage at the press conference and gives a stilted, heartfelt speech about love, acceptable and the better world that he dreams of. This speech is so touching that even the photographers in the assembled audience lower their cameras to wipe tears from their own eyes.

Is the world changed? Yes.

Is Chuck’s son so moved by his father’s words that he rushed back to the press conference and embraces Chuck? Yes.

Is the movie theater audience so touched by our film that they applaud as the credits begin to roll? Yes.

Is this like the best blog post you have ever read? Yes.

Am I now going to get sued for libel by Chuck Norris? Absolutely.



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