Observance.

Happy 4/20, to those who observe.

I do not personally, but I know that for some of you out there today will be like Christmas and May the 4th all rolled into one. Alas, I have another tough work day ahead of me, but after today I should be able to relax some. It is a long story, but just imagine if there was an IRS audit taking place of all your work over the course of the last 18 months. That is kind of what is happening today. So you can imagine that it is a bit stressful.

Often I wonder about the decisions I have made in life and I think back to those moments when there was an intersection and what it would have been like if I’d made a different decision or if things had worked out just a little differently. These aren’t regrets, I just think back sometimes on the possibilities; on all of those nascent lives that only ever got to pop little heads up over the horizon of possibility before turning to vapor.

One of the things no one ever tells you about this getting old thing is how little of your life you actually remember. That’s not to say I don’t have memories, just that when you take into account how many seconds I have lived, I just don’t feel like I remember enough of them. I remember people and places and things and I remember experiences, but I feel like I don’t have enough moments on file. I wonder if other people experience this. When I think about those lives I didn’t live, sometimes I try to manifest memories that didn’t happen: the place I would have lived if I’d gotten that job at UNLV working a block off the Strip, or if I’d stayed in the San Fernando Valley and kept on teaching and living the thankless life of an adjunct. I wonder about those lives and sometimes if I close my eyes I can see them as though I am remembering them.

I recognize that it now sounds very much like I am observing 4/20, but I swear I’m not, this is just how my brain works and how I’m thinking this morning.

Okay, I have to go get ready for another difficult work day. Wish me luck!

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