Why I Have Never Been Asked to Write an Advice Column.

Why I Have Never Been Asked to Write an Advice Column

by james bezerra

Dear Jamie,

I am an aspiring minimalist. This weekend I have friends coming in from out of town. They are going to stay in my apartment and it would appear that I have gotten rid of all of my extra bedding and towels. What should I do?

Thanks for your help,

Beddingless in Bozeman

Dear Beddingless in Bozeman,

Avoid the inevitably awkward “minimalist” conversation all together by burning down your apartment building just before your friends arrive.

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Dear Jamie,

I was just at the store and I saw Jenny McCarthy on the cover of SHAPE magazine. It made me angry because I think it is irresponsible that the magazine would put her on the cover because it seems like a tacit endorsement of her controversial (and, I think, dangerous) opinions about vaccines for children. Am I being unreasonable?

Please help,

Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Conflicted in Connecticut,

No. Jenny McCarthy is batshit insane. Next time you go to that store, burn it down.

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Dear Jamie,

The parking garage at my office has assigned parking spots, but recently someone has started parking a BMW in my space. I have left several polite notes, but it hasn’t helped. Should I go to the Human Resources Department? I don’t want to cause any drama at work.

Sincerely,

Spotless in Spokane

Dear Spotless in Spokane,

Don’t bother with HR, just light the BMW on fire.

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Dear Jamie,

I got lost on a camping trip and I have been wandering in the forest for days. I am out of food and water now and very afraid that I am going to die out here alone. However, that is unrelated to my question; Did you hear about the giant fire at the circus?

I’m so hungry,

Near Death in Dakota

Dear Near Death in Dakota,

Yes. I heard it was in tents.

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Dear Jamie,

I am afraid that I am a pyromaniac. I have played with matches and lighters and candles my whole life. I don’t want to hurt anyone or cause any destruction, but lately I feel like the urge to burn things is becoming more than I can control. Do you think I need to go to therapy or something?

So confused,

Firestarter in Flagstaff

Dear Firestarter in Flagstaff,

Life is about figuring out what you love the most and dedicating yourself to it. It sounds like you’ve found what you love. Congratulations.

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Dear Jamie,

I am a professional fireman and I would very much appreciate it if you would stop writing this advice column.

Respectfully,

Overworked in Oregon

Dear Overworked in Oregon,

Do you not enjoy job security?

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