My MIA FYI.

What is up, The Internet?!

So I have not posted here in like several years or something. I have a good excuse though! I am moving this week and it has taken quite a lot of time and energy to get everything squared away and packed up. (See!)

You might ask: what the hell has taken so long?

Well the truth is that I have been using packing as an excuse to go through everything I own and get rid of more stuff. And did I succeed in getting rid of stuff? Yes, yes I did. Just the other day I took eight boxes of stuff to the Goodwill. EIGHT BOXES! Among other things I have gotten rid of nearly half of my books. That was one of the hardest things I have thus far done. I’m trying to be all nonchalant about it, but I totally cried like a little girl the whole drive to Goodwill. I tried to explain to them, “It isn’t that you are bad books and it isn’t that you aren’t worthy of being read and loved, I just want to release you out into the world so that OTHER people can discover you and read you and love you.”

It didn’t matter what I said though because I still felt like the mother in A.I. and the books didn’t believe any of it. By the way, if you’re looking to rescue some books, the Goodwill in Northridge on Reseda is lousy with them now.

Alot of life editing took place as I packed, but I still own WAY THE FUCK too much stuff. You know, for awhile I was feeling as though I had done a very good job narrowing down what I own to the (more or less) essentials, but this past week or so - with most of my stuff already packed - I have been realizing that the things I actually use are very very few compared to the amount of things I actually own.

About a million years ago, when I started reading about this whole ‘minimalism’ thing, I remember coming across a post by one of the guys at The Minimalists about how he once organized a “packing party” and had all his friends come over to pack up his stuff. Then he only unpacked things as he needed them. It was his way of learning what he really used.

There is a part of me that wants to do that. I’m not going to do that, but it is extremely tempting. I’ve done enough backpacking to already know that virtually everything I own is a waste of time and not exactly necessary for living. I guess I could unpack slowly just for fun, but the more OCD aspects of my personality aren’t going to allow me to live out of boxes for more than a couple of days. So I guess that what that means is that as I unpack, I am going to keep editing. I haven’t even moved yet and I’m already 50/50 as to whether or not I really need this TV stand/entertainment center. Do you want an entertainment center???

I will likely be without the internet for a few days as I move, so don’t expect a lot of posts in the next week, but after that, get ready for a super awesome July! Among other things I am going to be in both Las Vegas and New York and you know how much of a whore I am for writing deep thoughts while on the road.

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Needed: SWF

I don't mind being single, but I seriously need someone to go to stuff with because later this month there's an outdoor screening of "Singing in The Rain", followed by Sarah Brighman at The Greek, then the London Symphany Orchestra and the Moscow Ballet in a few months. I am now accepting applications. I also enjoy brunch, farmers' markets, and long walks on the beach.

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It would appear that this mobile app does not correct my spelling on the fly. Sorry ahoy that.

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Mad Scientist.

There used to be a professor at my college named Dusan Zrnic. He was an engineer. Apparently he left in the late 70s to pursue his life-long dream of becoming a mad scientist and trying to kill James Bond. When asked why he wanted to do those things he apparently replied, “Dude, my name is Dusan Zrnic. Was there ever any chance I wasn’t going to try to kill James Bond?”

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Thoughts on Lostness.

I am feeling very alienated tonight. From what, I can not tell you. From life, I suppose? I’m not going to get all existential on you and I promise this won’t be a terribly long post, but I just want to think a moment on this feeling.

One would think it would be hard to feel lonely on a planet with 7 billion people on it, but I manage. Today I have felt lonely. I’ve always had something of the loner in me, and that has usually been okay with me because I frequently like books more than people anyway. Though I don’t hate people; I enjoy the living hell out of them, just not at every single moment of the day, you know?

So loneliness is not foreign to me and generally I’m okay with it - you know - because I write, and that’s a solitary activity, and because I’m a surprisingly curmudgeonly little bastard despite the fact I’m not that old or small or curmudgeonly.

Once I was seeing a charming and delightful girl. She had dark hair and big gorgeous eyes and a beautiful tattoo in the skin down her side and I remember that we got to talking one morning, over coffee and smoking, about the readings that I occasionally get to do. She was a writer too and she hated doing them and she knew that I loved doing them (and I don’t suck at them, BTW) and I remember her telling me that there was a strange disconnect between my energetic readings and my frequently sedate state of being otherwise. And I told her that, for me, there is very much a switch that gets flipped between being on and being off. I don’t think of that as a manipulation or as something artificial, but I remember her look and I remember thinking that she thought a little less of me in that moment. As though switch-flipping was somehow disingenuous. That moment sticks to me. Maybe because she was - for better or worse - incapable of being disingenuous. Or maybe because that look she gave me really called out that sad and quiet and lonely germ in me.

That germ has grown all big and choleric today. Shifty, that thing is. Even worse when there’s no one to call it out. But please don’t imagine me sitting around crying into my beer while reading Kafka. There is great joy and beauty and adventure in life and I know that and enjoy enjoying that, but that’s also what makes me sad. These sad little days are made sadder by the fact that they aren’t days filled with adventure and beauty and joy. We can’t kayak the Colorado River every day, though I wouldn’t mind trying.

I guess that I am not “alienated” today. I guess what I am is just a little dark humoured. A little lost. But you can’t ever find anything new without getting a little lost first. I’ve been lost in the wilderness enough times to know that being lost ain’t that big a deal as long as you believe that in pretty short order you won’t be lost anymore.

Once I was up in the Tablelands above the Sequoias with my friend Mike the Director and we were basically lost on that moonscape. I think we had some vague idea which way was maybe north. And bounding over the ridgeline came a couple of inexplicably buoyantly happy Germans who were clearly headed in the wrong direction. They were more lost than us and didn’t even know it. We managed to set them straight and put them back on the right path because we were a tiny bit less lost than they were. I guess that’s how I feel today; lost but maybe not quite as lost as I could be. There’s potential in that, I suppose. And so maybe I shouldn’t glower so much on these sad and insignificant days because these are the days that make the good ones so good.

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An Actual Text Message that I Just Sent.

An Actual Text Message that I Just Sent:

by james bezerra

I have found that when I am this hungover I usually need to apologize for something, so if there is anything I need to apologize for, let's just pretend that I am doing that now.

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The Good Life.

I have been many places and done many things, but in my experience it is always old friends who are the best way to get into new kinds of trouble.

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Why I Have Never Been Asked to Write an Advice Column.

Why I Have Never Been Asked to Write an Advice Column

by james bezerra

Dear Jamie,

I am an aspiring minimalist. This weekend I have friends coming in from out of town. They are going to stay in my apartment and it would appear that I have gotten rid of all of my extra bedding and towels. What should I do?

Thanks for your help,

Beddingless in Bozeman

Dear Beddingless in Bozeman,

Avoid the inevitably awkward “minimalist” conversation all together by burning down your apartment building just before your friends arrive.

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Dear Jamie,

I was just at the store and I saw Jenny McCarthy on the cover of SHAPE magazine. It made me angry because I think it is irresponsible that the magazine would put her on the cover because it seems like a tacit endorsement of her controversial (and, I think, dangerous) opinions about vaccines for children. Am I being unreasonable?

Please help,

Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Conflicted in Connecticut,

No. Jenny McCarthy is batshit insane. Next time you go to that store, burn it down.

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Dear Jamie,

The parking garage at my office has assigned parking spots, but recently someone has started parking a BMW in my space. I have left several polite notes, but it hasn’t helped. Should I go to the Human Resources Department? I don’t want to cause any drama at work.

Sincerely,

Spotless in Spokane

Dear Spotless in Spokane,

Don’t bother with HR, just light the BMW on fire.

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Dear Jamie,

I got lost on a camping trip and I have been wandering in the forest for days. I am out of food and water now and very afraid that I am going to die out here alone. However, that is unrelated to my question; Did you hear about the giant fire at the circus?

I’m so hungry,

Near Death in Dakota

Dear Near Death in Dakota,

Yes. I heard it was in tents.

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Dear Jamie,

I am afraid that I am a pyromaniac. I have played with matches and lighters and candles my whole life. I don’t want to hurt anyone or cause any destruction, but lately I feel like the urge to burn things is becoming more than I can control. Do you think I need to go to therapy or something?

So confused,

Firestarter in Flagstaff

Dear Firestarter in Flagstaff,

Life is about figuring out what you love the most and dedicating yourself to it. It sounds like you’ve found what you love. Congratulations.

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Dear Jamie,

I am a professional fireman and I would very much appreciate it if you would stop writing this advice column.

Respectfully,

Overworked in Oregon

Dear Overworked in Oregon,

Do you not enjoy job security?

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