Only in America . . .

Yes folks, we are running out of bullets. Read all about it!

It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that we all know exactly what kind of people are stocking up on bullets. Its not people who are happy and get laid a lot and sitting around listening to “Give Peace a Chance”. No, these are the jackasses who fetishize their guns and pretend that an eagerness to play with them is somehow connected to their patriotism.

Happily though, this does make me think of that Chris Rock bit where he advocates “Bullet Control”. Ah, what the hell! Here is the bit so you can watch it yourself.

Enjoy!

Should Have Called Those Shoes "Air Douche Bags"

Wow, apparently Michael Jordan is a jerk.

Normally I wouldn’t bother you with sports, mostly because I know so little about it (also, I don’t actually care), however I came across this article about the speech that Jordan gave recently when he was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. So it turns out that Michael Jordon, the man that inspired a million shoes, is basically just an arrogant prick.

Now this may be old news to people who watch sports, but Michael Jordan has spent more time on my TV whoring for Hanes than he has as a basketball player, so I don’t really know.

Essentially he spent most of his speech in this vicious spiral of arrogance and anger. He called out his high school basketball coach who didn’t bump him up to Varsity as a sophomore, saying, “I wanted to make sure you understood: You made a mistake, dude.”

What the fuck is that about? Who does that?

Hey Michael Jordon, you are rich and famous because you are really good at putting a ball in basket. Oh, yeah! And you are also good at bouncing it up an down. Rock on asshole, that is quite an accomplishment!

Anyway, I just wanted to warn all of you, apparently this guy sucks at being a person.

Here is the article.
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Like Money You Can Eat!

So remember that time when we were robbing that bank vault that unexpectedly turned out to be filled with cheese? And as we were filling our big canvas bags up with Gouda and Munster and Edam and Provolone and Mozzarella and Brie and Balaton you asked, “Hey, why do you think that this bank vault is filled with cheese?”

And I, my mouth stuffed with a Havarti, replied, “I have no fucking clue.”

Well, friend, after all of these years, I have finally found the answer.
Here it is!

Basically, some banks in Italy have started accepting wheels of Parmesan cheese as collateral against loans. It is an effort to keep the credit markets functioning. They are also considering accepting wine and Prosciutto.

No . . . that’s not a funny. They are actually considering that.

Oh, and if you would like to see an alphabetized list of cheeses, well then today is your lucky day isn't it!
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Joe Wilson is so over.

So during The President’s speech, a distinguished Congressman from South Carolina screamed “YOU LIE!” at Obama. Yeah, it was extremely classy. That man was Joe Wilson. He will be running for reelection very soon. He is running against a Democrat named Rob Miller. Rob Miller has a website where people can donate money to his campaign. This afternoon he had about $3,000 in donations. As of right now (10.28pm) he has more than $65,000.

God bless America.
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Obama Rocks the (Bicameral) House.

So I was in class during the President’s speech on healthcare to a joint session of Congress. My rockstar girlfriend however, was awesome enough provide me with real-time text message coverage of the speech. Below is her top-notch reportage.

5.26pm Obama is not laying the smack down yet.

5.28pm Wait! He just did.

5.29pm He basically just told everyone to stop fighting, this is what we were elected to do and we’re going to do it.

5.30pm He’s laying it out now. Hold on.

5.33pm Insurance companies have to cover routine check-ups including mammograms, etc.

5.34pm Now it gets vague. Sounds a little like the co-op plan. Groups insure affordability. Tax credits for insurance, based on need.

5.37pm This will take effect fully in four years.

5.40pm In the meantime for people who have pre-existing conditions and can’t get coverage, he will make affordable coverage of some kind available immediately.

5.40pm And now a little shout out to McCain bcuz it was his idea.

5.43pm Hardship waivers if you still can’t afford it. Companies that can’t afford it are also eligible for waivers. All people are required to have insurance, a la car insurance.

5.45pm Now addressing key controversy: death panels are some bullshit. “It’s a lie, plain and simple.”

5.45pm HAHAHA The Republicans just sat there and pouted while everyone else stood and applauded.

5.47pm Illegal immigrants: lots of shouting in the room now. They will not be covered. OH SHIT! Someone yelled at him.

5.47pm Abortion: no federal money used.

5.58pm Public Option: consumers do better when there is a choice.

5.50pm He doesn’t want to take over insurance, he just wants them to be accountable. We are making a not-for-profit option available in an insurance exchange.

5.52pm Only an option for those without insurance, no one is forced to choose it, and it doesn’t affect anyone who already has insurance.

5.52pm The Public Option is self-sufficient and does not rely on taxpayers.

5.54pm Its only one part of the plan, everyone needs to shut the fuck up (I’m paraphrasing).

5.54pm He said the Republicans should shut up about it and we will address any “legitimate concerns.”

5.56pm “I will not back down on the basic principle that if you cannot afford insurance we will provide you with a choice.”

5.56pm How we pay for this: he will not sign a plan that adds one dime to the deficit now of in the future.

5.57pm Then he repeated it. There will be a provision that requires more spending cuts if the savings don’t materialize.

5.58pm Oh my god, the Republicans are so pissed!

5.59 Most of the plan can be paid for by fixing current waste in the healthcare system.

5.59pm None of the Medicare trust fund will be used to pay for the plan.

6.02pm Medicare will not be privatized or turned into a voucher program.

6.06pm Estimated cost: $900 billion over ten years. Less than Iraq war, less than the tax cuts for the wealthy passed by the previous administration.

6.07pm Most of it paid for by existing waster money, no taxes raised. If we slow the growth of healthcare cost by one tenth of one percent it will reduce the deficit.

6.09pm He says his door “is always open.” We should go visit!

6.09pm “I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that it is better politics to kill this plan than to improve it.”

6.11pm “If you misrepresent what’s in this plan, we will call you out. I will not accept the status quo as a solution. Not this time. Not now.”

6.11pm Now a Ted Kennedy moment. He wrote a letter to Obama, to be delivered upon his death. That’s creepy, right?

6.17pm The President is sticking the landing now

6.19pm The Republicans are still pouting.

6.19pm The end!



Personally I think that you should copy and paste this and send it to all of your friends and loved ones who didn’t watch the speech.
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Knock knock . . .

So here is a super fantastic joke that I came up with last night in bed. I didn’t have a pen in my nightstand, so I actually emailed it to myself from my phone, just so that I wouldn’t forget it.

The Joke:
How many pragmatists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Answer:
One, screwing in a light bulb is not that hard.
HA!

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These People Should Die.

I'm sorry, I don't usually call people ruthless fucking worthless cocksucking bastards, but these people are.

Here they are accusing The President of "brainwashing" school kids by - get this - talking to them.

These people are awful.

Sorry if this post is rude. Sometimes rude is called for.
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